Vignette Five

Things that Go Hump in the Night



They arrived at the human’s apartment. Unimpressive. The Littlest Vampire was not shocked. The human was stumbling through his welcoming gestures of “Make yourself at home. Here, get comfortable on the couch.” LV smiled up at him and gave him her most innocent puppy eyes. She really didn’t like this one and it took every ounce of strength not to rip him open like a Christmas present. She needed to wait. When she disliked the fundamental character of her meal, she made sure to keep them calm and unsuspecting. The last thing LV wanted was for the human to go into shock- then he’d miss all the fun.

It Says Hand Soap. That’s Not a Hand.

The human finished whatever nonsense he was tending to in his bathroom. The nonsense in question was a male’s ability to come home from a bar with a random stranger, stick his balls in the bathroom sink, rinse the aforementioned reproductive organs with hand soap- maybe, and deem this fresh smelling and sanitary enough to penetrate a complete stranger. The Littlest Vampire heard the slopping gurgling of water in a sink and knew her instincts were right on the money. She was living in strange times.

For Those Feeling Tropical for 6+ Hours…Please Visit a Doctor

The human settled himself next to her on the couch. Thus began the bullshit. “Hey, can I just hold you? I just want to snuggle.” Snuggle. He wants to snuggle. The Littlest Vampire was about ready to slaughter HIM to put HER out of THIS misery. Because she was so tiny, the majority of men used the size discrepancy to hoist her up and into the awaiting penis (lap). She pretended to “snuggle” and sniffed at his neck. One must always know what is in their food. Drugs, alcohol, industrial chemicals, and certain diseases are carried through the bloodstream. The effects passed onto a vampire during their feeding were usually temporary although they ran the gambit depending on the drug of choice. We can get into that fun conversation later. Sniffing this one was easy. Viagra and Rum.

Just Add a Stick of Butter

Humans like to categorize the specific gore they associated with a particular species of Undead. It’s as if the categories would really somehow protect a human from more exposure to the unknown. According to Herr Human, this is what’s supposed to happen. A Werewolf would rip victims to shreds and ate whatever was visible under a full moon. Mummies terrorized the population into a fright. Nobody’s really sure why since a Mummy’s mouth is taped shut so eating is a complete waste of time- the Bulimics of the Underworld. A Zombie would bite into living human flesh, eating and infecting whatever it put in its mouth. Just as a side note, the Zombie Virus is a very aggressive strain of the common yeast infection. One can create their own zombie nation by placing unwashed panties in a bread basket overnight. By morning, the infected bread looks no different than buttered toast. By noon, world domination is yours.

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