Vignette Four

I Couldn’t Help Noticing You Salivating at Me



4am was approaching and the Littlest Vampire didn’t want to take any chances. Whether she liked it or not, the hands belonged to her entrée. She glanced toward the direction of her assailant. She followed the arm up towards the human it belonged to. As suspected, it was a middle age, middle class, mediocre, nondescript white guy. Nothing about him appeared to stand out, so maybe that’s how he snuck passed the bouncer into this den of coolness. But in his mind-and I stress in his mind only, which LV was currently reading for amusement and to kill time, he was a legend.

But He Said He Loved Me

“Can I buy you a drink?” he asked her. LV smiled up at him, “sure”. Like the hundred times before, this stallion of a man would lead his newest trophy to the bar and feed her enough drinks as he could afford to get her in the sack. The drunker she would get, the more protective he would start acting. By protective, he was 1. making sure his investment wasn’t snatched up by another man while he was paying, 2. that she was drunk enough to rely on him to get home, 3. that she was drunk enough not to remember his name or the legal definition of rape. Thanks to copious amounts of booze, this caveman style marking of territory was usually interpreted by a drunken whore to be charming. To this human, right now, his master plan was just getting started.

Gelding the Stallion

“I’ll have whatever you’re drinking.” That was her standard answer. Like the thousand times before, she would be paraded up to the bar by some loser with a master plan. Vampires, with their heightened preternatural senses, considered liquor to smell like a variety of vaginal infections- not anything someone wants in their mouth. The human would be concerned with getting her drunk so the trick was to order what he was having. It didn’t take a mind-reading vampire to assess this type of character. His lack of self-control inevitably takes over and he ends up drinking his and hers. Before the fool knew it, the Littlest Vampire would have him hailing a cab.

Path of Least Resistance Must Be 200 Yards Away From a School

Nine out of ten times, the human would direct the cabbie to his address. The one time they insist on your place usually means they are married. The Littlest Vampire could tell this one was a confirmed bachelor, and a lazy opportunistic one at that. It was no surprise she ended up at his place. This was the most ideal of situations. The Littlest Vampire never brought anyone home. One must understand that humans were live meat and nothing more. To a vampire, bringing home a human for dinner was like slaughtering and cooking a live chicken in your toilet. It was just fucking weird. LV almost always went to their homes. She wouldn’t even do it on the street. Some have said that she kept this rule to shield those innocent souls on their way to work or school from finding the gore. Others would say it was because she, like most women, didn’t like eating in public.

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