Vignette One

Your Last Pay Stub and a Copy of Your Driver’s License



Rather than terrorizing the human, the Littlest Vampire gathered her things and left. More often than not, she was baffled by human behavior; this typically led to a “Missing Persons” Report by the family of the one she could not understand. But in more recent history, LV was shooting for change; less manslaughter, more counting to 10. It had been so long since Littlest had a pulse that she felt more like an alien trying to learn about this modern world instead of the “GREATEST EVIL THAT EVER LIVED.”

Or it could be that she dated assholes.

She didn’t really mind walking out on him. Being around for a few hundred years meant a breakup at week 3 was nothing to throw off anyone’s diet. However, on the walk home, she found herself deep in her little vampire thoughts. What bothered LV the most was not this particular human, it was humans in particular. It started in the late 90s with the internet…and more recently-YouTube that LV decided to educate herself on the State of the Human. At the very least, she wanted to know where her food came from.

Le Coopertif Vampyre

Earlier that week, after a 6 month co-op board review… which actually did feel like an eternity… the Littlest Vampire moved into her first apartment- of this millennia. Unbeknownst to the Humans, Le Coopertif Vampyre was one of the premier luxury properties in all of New York City catering to the Undead. Yes- Catering. Thanks to modern technology, it became increasingly difficult for creatures of the night to live in a world with Social Security Numbers, DNA Analysis, and To Catch a Predator.

And like the mighty dodo bird…the end was near….

Vampires, Werewolves, Zombies, Mummies, just to name a few, were on the verge of extinction. Contrary to popular belief, these so-called Evil Spirits, were anything but. You probably wouldn’t meet anyone nicer than a Vampire, or more pleasant than a Werewolf. They were labeled as predators, devils and all manners of bullshit by a species so low on the ethical food chain that it was almost laughable. The only reason why humans were so pissed that these magical creatures existed at all was because the human, didn’t like to be on the menu. Well, that and the lower self- esteem that usually accompanies being bumped down a notch by a far more superior-magical-smarter-faster-stronger-can steal your spouse without even trying- type of being. Therefore, to continue living alongside their human food source, the leaders of the respective groups formulated a plan…it was labeled the Sub-Prime Mortgage Banking Failure. And with that, properties were purchased, identities were assumed, and not a single human was the wiser. Because that is the beauty of paying in cash.

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